Monday, November 26, 2007

Uh Oh

Sorry bout the lack of posts lately. It's been nothing but baby prep around here. What with buying all the essentials, to getting a pediatrician, to baby proofing the house, it's been a crazy trimester.

Does anyone else find the term baby proofing funny? If you baby proof your house, babies shouldn't be able to get in your house. I think it would be a much better advertising slogan for condoms. ZEUS CONDOMS! BABY PROOF YOUR WANG! If only someone had put that on a box on condoms nine months ago, I might not be in the predicament I'm in now. Oh well.

On a much more terrifying note, I'd like to welcome the newest reader of this blog, my mother! Somehow, someone told my sister about this and someone told my mother about this and someone was horribly disappointed. The disappointed individual would be my mother after reading all horrific thoughts I have and actions I do. I can understand. If I had a son that did all the things I've written about, I'd probably be embarrassed too. Oh wait, I'm having a son. That won't go well.

I knew the day would come that my mother found about about this. It wasn't a secret but I didn't go out of way to tell her either. Now that she knows, I feel..... You know how you feel when you've drank too much and need to throw up but it's not time yet. And then all of a sudden it's time to vomit! So you run to the bathroom, grateful in the knowledge you're about to chunk it out but still quite nauseous as you haven't yet done so. That's EXACTLY how I feel about my mother knowing about this blog.

I've always had my censor on around my mother. Most of you know me, I'm sort of an dick. But most people think I'm a funny dick. Which somehow allows the dickishness. But my mother and I have always disagreed on what humor is. She has always insisted that most things I find funny are not as such and I've always insisted that my mother has no sense of humor what so ever. So most of the time, around my mother, I've always had my internal censor on. Mainly because the few times I "unleashed the beast" around her, she never really saw the funny, just the dick. (I just realized that if the last two lines of this blog were quoted out of context, it would seem I expose my genitalia to my mother. Nice.)

Last Christmas, we (Jen, Mom, Dad and I) were all sitting around the table enjoying after dinner treats when the subject turned once again to Mom's lack of a sense of humor.

Me: You have no sense of humor, Mom.

Mom: You're wrong. I do.

Me: Okay, then. Give me an example of when a fart is funny.

(Both and Jen and my father know this is going down a bad road and their faces show it)

Mom: Well, I guess if.....hmmm.....Maybe if, Um....

Me: WRONG! Farts are always funny! You have no sense of humor.

My dad, appreciating the funny, busts out laughing at my mother as does the wife. My Mother, aggravated and frustrated, changes the subject, which we all happily do as a scorned Mom is a vengeful Mom and she has access to the knives.

Do not take this at all like I don't love my mother. I love her to death. She is one of the best people I know. She is overly kind, loving and supportive. Want proof? The fact I'm still alive after my teenage years is all the proof you need.

I take most of my values from my Mom. She's a staunch Democrat and environmentalist. She hates guns and was so disappointed when she read I had a gun. I hope she understands that I hate it too. Buying that thing was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make and I still question it to this day.

There's a reason that the spelling and grammar are quite good in this blog. It's not because of proper schooling.

I always hear about men slapping their women around. I could never do that. Not only because my mother taught me very well that men and women are equal, but because if I ever did hit a woman my mother would be on the next flight out to Vegas with the full intent of killing me. As she should.

Being a staunch Democrat, she's also very anti-censorship. Which is why I've chosen not to censor my thoughts on here just because I know she's reading it. My brain will still spew vulgar stupidity here. I'm sure she won't like it, but that's ok. I'll still turn the censor on when I see her and be as charming as I can without dropping f-bombs and making masturbation comments. But on here, my mother participation will not stop me from telling you all about the time the wife and I totally did it in a handicap bathroom in a Japanese middle school. POW!

Anyways, say hi to my mom in the comments. That way, she'll know you read this too and her tears will multiply.

In fact, now that my Mom knows, maybe I'll let the whole family in on my ramblings. I can feel the family pride growing already!

I love you Mom!

You pain in the ass.