Pan's Labyrinth is Totally Balls

I finally got around to seeing this movie on DVD. I had to wait to see it on DVD because I no longer go to the movies. Why? Well that's a whole other blog. Wait a sec, no it's not. I don't go to the movies anymore because society in general has seemed to lost the ability to shut the fuck up in a movie theater. That and I have a 68 inch DLP TV at home with surround sound and leather recliners. Whole other blog indeed.

So I'm told by pretty much everyone that I've got to see Pan's Labyrinth. "It's the greatest movie of all time!" is what I'm told by all my artsy fartsy friends. (If you are reading this, you are regarded by me as Artsy Fartsy. My non-artsy fartsy friends probably wouldn't know how to turn on a computer, just punch it until it submitted.) So I watched it. And it S-U-C-K-E-D.

I'm not saying it wasn't a very pretty movie to look at. I can understand why the director of cinematography would get a hummer from the Academy. I get that. But whoever wrote that movie had no respect for you or I.

If you haven't seen this movie yet and don't want parts of it ruined, it's time to go away.

SPOILER ALERT

I had two major problems with this movie. The first major problem I had was with the second task the girl was assigned. The Pan comes into her room and tells her she needs to draw a door in the wall which will open a portal into another room. A room inhabited by a monster. Get the knife in the room and get out. You only have a certain amount of time before the door stops working so be quick. Oh yeah, and in the monster's room is a super nice spread full of delicious food. Don't eat any of it or you'll probably die a horrible death. And just to keep you on your task, I'll give you three fairies to guide you on your way.

So the girl draws the imaginary door, opens it, and turns over the timer showing her how much time she has left. Then what does she do?

She dilly dallies. And not just your average dilly dallying. World Class dilly dallying. The kind of dilly dallying that made her walk down a hall of paintings of the monster horribly killing other children, but instead of going "Oh Shit, that could be me!" and hauling ass, choosing to more closely examine the brushwork used in the painting.

Finally, after what seemed like a goddamn eternity, she gets to the end of the room with the monster in some state of suspended animation, and proceeds to get the knife from its hiding spot. While on her way out, she looks again at the buffet on the monster's table and decides to have a bite to eat. The fairies that were sent by the Pan to help out start waving her off the food, reminding her not to eat the food. Of course, she ignores the fairies, eats a couple of grapes and wakes up the horrible child killing monster.

Here's the recap so far:

Pan: Get the knife as quick as you can and don't eat anything on the way or you'll die.

Little Girl: Fuck you Pan, I'm gonna take my sweet ass time and eat whatever I want.

The horrible child eating monster wakes up and gets ready to eat the little girl. The fairies, in a selfless act, distract the monster so the little girl can get away. The monster eats the fairies, distracting him from the little girl so she can get way. Notice how I ended the last two sentences with "so she can get away."? But does she get away?? FUCK NO! I guess she was so entranced by the pictures of the monster doing horrible things she wanted to catch the live show. Of course, once the fairies were good and eaten and the horrible child killing monster focused on her, she finally decided to haul ass down the hall and get out.

I really hate movies that make kids to be that stupid. The camera and special effects, as pretty as they were could not distract me from the fact that the lead character in the movie was so fucking stupid that she didn't deserve to live. From this point on, I was openly rooting for her death.

The second problem I had with this movie was the key to the pantry lock scene. Earlier in the movie, they make a big deal of showing the Captain locking the pantry shut and asking the maid if he now had the only key. She said yes, but was lying as she snuck a key to her brother in the forest who, in a twist that every single person knew right away, was the leader of the terrorists, who turned out to be the good guys after all. WHAT A TWIST!

Anyways, later in the movie, the terrorist group whoop and holler into town setting off grenades all over the place and shooting as many soldiers as they can before they use the second key to get into the pantry and rob it. The Captain then uses his brilliant mind to deduce that his maid is the spy in the house because the lock wasn't blown off with grenades. She snuck the key to them.

So why didn't the terrorist group just blow the lock up with grenades in the first place instead of putting the spy at risk. Because that makes sense. And whoever wrote this movie decided that instead of writing a movie that made sense, he'd rather advance the plot with crappy devices. Or they could have just taken the lock with them after they robbed the pantry! But no, it's much easier to write a movie when the people in it act like retards like leaving the opened lock on the door.

This was a crappy lazy movie that fooled a bunch of people because it was in Spanish and had cool costumes and EFX.

The next time someone raves about this movie to me, I'm going to tell them that my piss is poison and will kill them if it hits them in the face. Then I'm going to try to piss in their face. If they let me, it will explain why they like Pan's Labyrinth.