CLAP YOUR HANDS!!!

I am not a perfect man. I know, I know. How can I, a man so fucking awesome, have that kind of humility? Well, good readers, I am a mortal who can recognize my flaws. And one of those flaws is not being able to forgive general stupidity. What stupidity is suffering my wrath this time?

"Give yourselves a round of applause."

Dear GOD, that phrase gives me a fucking migraine. I'm sick of giving my money to these performers so I can suffer through that god-awful phrase at least once a show. "Give yourselves a round of applause." Fuck you. Why on earth would I want to give myself or any of the usual moronic douche bags standing around me at a concert a round of applause? What did we do to deserve a round of applause? Ignore the fact that we're an hour and a half into the concert and you still haven't played the one hit song we came to hear you play?

It's the same as when the band performing says the name of the city they happen to be in and the crowd goes nuts. It proves that the crowd is just as retarded as the performer. Why on earth do we as audience members applaud when someone on stage says the name of the town we're in? Certainly doesn't happen in other situations. Imagine:

You: So where are you from.

Hot Chick or Dude You Are on a Date With: Well, I'm originally from Kentucky but I've live in Las Vegas now.

You: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Hot Chick or Dude You Are on a Date With: What? Why did you yell?

You: You said "Las Vegas". I live in Las Vegas or am currently visiting Las Vegas so I said whoo.

Hot Chick or Dude You Are on a Date With: I see. I'm going to leave now. Ass.

And yet all someone on stage has to do is say the town's name and everyone in the audience goes nuts.

But you know who I almost feel sorry for? Opening bands that aren't well received. I always picture this thought process when an opening band is crapping the stage with melodic diarrhea.

Lead Singer (to himself): Gosh, these people don't seem to like us very much. I hardly see any hands being thrown in the air and virtually no one is singin' along. What could I possible do so these people start to understand how much we totally rule?

Lead Singer (to the crowd): GIVE IT UP FOR THE HEADLINER!!

Audience: WHOO!

Lead Singer (to himself): Ahhhhhhh, the sweet sound of applause. I knew this crowd loved us. We totally rule.

And the worst part is EVERY SINGLE BAND I'VE SEEN DOES ALL OF THE ABOVE! They're all simple minded sycophants looking for a cheap pop. Fuck em all.

There is, however one exception and that would be The Ramones. For those of you who never saw a Ramones show let me tell how it would go. The lights would go down, the Ramones would take the stage, and Joey Ramone say "Hey, we're the Ramones. This one's called Rockaway Beach." Then Dee Dee would say "1-2-3-4". And rockin would commence. 2 minutes later when the song was over. Joey Ramone would come up to the mic and say "This one's called Rock and Roll High School." and Dee Dee would say "1-2-3-4". And rockin would commence. This pattern would continue for about 2 hours until Joey would come to the mic and change it up a bit. "Thanks for coming out. This one's called Pinhead." And Dee Dee would say "1-2-3-4". And rocking would commence. When the last song was over, Joey would go up to the microphone and say "Goodnight!" And they would walk off stage....to the loudest applause I've ever heard.