Salty

I used to think my wedding day would be the happiest day of my life forever. After what happened last night, that can longer be said.

I went to a japanese cafe with Kevin and Jenn. While there, the discussion of truth or dare came up. Kevin, in the past, played truth or dare with some friends like a 12 year old. I told him that's not the way adults play that game. Adults just play dare. And it usually involves money. So I gave him an example. I told him I would give him $20 if he drank a quarter cup of soy sauce. He would also have to not drink or eat anything else for thirty seconds after. He told me "What if I dare you to do something stupid for $20." I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said for $20 I had to run out to spring mountain road, drop my pants and fondle my happy pills for 5 seconds. I sprang to my feet and ran out of the cafe with Kevin right behind me. I ran across the parking lot, got to the sidewalk, and dropped my pants. Sometimes, fate just smiles and smiles at you. There was not a car in sight. Not until I got to the 3rd second of self gratification did we even see headlights which were about a half mile off. It was like drawing to the miracle straight flush when you're beaten by a full house. And please realize, I didn't wait for there to be no traffic. As I ran across the parking lot, I resigned myself to showing people in passing cars my balls. I just have the incredible luck that when Kevin and I arrived at the street there was not a car in sight.

So we walk back into the cafe and I tell Kevin to pay up. He says he's not going to have to, he's going to drink the soy sauce. I offer the advice that it will probably be better if he just chugs it down. Kevin replies that no, he's going to drink it in small batches. Miracles happen everyday.

Kevin slowly brings the cup of soy sauce up to his nose and takes a big sniff. Why, I have no idea. If I was going to drink something nasty for money, I would just man up and chug that fucker. I guess Kevin wanted to savor his unhappiness. Needless to say, the whiff of soy sauce sends Kevin straight to regret land. I ask if he's going to back out. Without saying a word, he puts the cup up to his lips and drinks the first swallow.

There was a small part of mind that was nervous that it wouldn't be so bad. That Kevin would just find it midly unpleasent but not by any means, a big deal. Again, fate smiled upon me. Kevin fucking HATED it! He startes gagging, sniffiling, turning white and his eyes start watering. Jenn and I were in comedy heaven. And the best part is, he didn't even drink half of it on the first swallow!

He puts the cup back up to his lips and takes another swig of misery. Even better then the first, because he starts to show the anguish on his face. He's clearly in some sort of hell and I'm the cause of it. At this point, he starts to burp really loudly. I can only imagine what pure soy sauce burps taste like. Kevin now has first hand knowledge. And because I must have done something right in my life and God himself was rewarding me at this moment. Kevin still had one more swallow to go.

With much struggle, he finally finishes the last of the soy sauce, reaching the hardest part of the deal, the 30 seconds. It's funny the role perception plays in life. I'm sure if asked Kevin about the 30 seconds, he would tell you it was long, painful and felt like several minutes. For myself, it felt like a flash. But what a flash! Kevin, now an ashen white, was gagging, burping, head bobbing, crying, and hating every moment of it. Sadly, the 30 seconds ended and Kevin was allowed to drink and eat again.

He compared it to taking a huge batch of seaweed and shoving it in the back of your throat for awhile.

After a few minutes, I started to reflect on what a momentous occasion this was. This was the comedy pinnacle for me. Now matter how funny or brilliant a sketch or improv show can be, it will never top Kevin drinking soy sauce. But I'm ok with that, because nothing ever should top Kevin drinking soy sauce. I can now die with peace in my heart with the knowledge that I have seen the funniest thing in the world. I'm going to get a t-shirt made that just says "Kevin drank the Soy Sauce". I should probably get a few as I can see myself wearing that article of clothing out rather quickly. I love you all and I hope only one day you too can experience a sliver of the magic that I did last night. Take care of yourself and God Bless America.


KEVIN DRANK THE SOY SAUCE