It turns out I'm going to be really bad at being a Dad. I certainly had my suspicions, being an idiot and all, but my fears of doing a horrible job raising my offspring were confirmed tonight.
Jenny and I were out with our friends having a nice dinner at a Japanese steakhouse. I was having the steak, shrimp and lobster combo because that's what you get when you go to a Japanese steakhouse. Our friend ordered the chicken so I mocked her for a while. It's a "steak"house. Gotta get the steak. And if they want to combo that up with assorted shellfish, who am I to complain?
Anyways, we're having a nice dinner and between bites we were talking about the forthcoming baby and its impending nighttime crying schedule. Our friends, having experience with their own children, informed Jen and I that the first few months would be quite non conducive to sleep what with the baby crying all throughout the night. We were talking about what would make a baby cry and what should be done. Our friends informed us it could be a assortment of ailments but sometimes a baby will just cry through the night for no apparent reason. I said "Well, if the baby just wants to cry, I'll just put it in the closet for a while."
This was the wrong thing to say.
Not only did our friends immediately stop eating and talking to stare me down, not only did Jen stop eating and talking to stare me down, but the Chef who had just finished cooking our meal and was cleaning the table stopped what he was doing to join the stare that the others at the table were now partaking of.
"What?", I said.
"You can't put the baby in a closet! What kind of monster are you?" said one of my friends.
"Why not?" I said. "It's a very nice closet."
"It doesn't matter if it's nice. You can't put your baby in the closet! That's child abuse!"
"How is that child abuse? It's a walk in closet with lights and a vent and carpeting."
At this point Jen chimes in, "You an idiot. The baby doesn't go in the closet."
If you know me, you know I love to argue. I'll even argue stupid ridiculous points just for the fun of arguing. But I really thought I was right on this one. I pointed out how I didn't want to put the baby in another room's closet or even another room! This closet isn't 5 feet from our bed. We would have easy access to the baby at all times, there would just be a sound blocking door between us. Besides, it's not like I want to put the baby in there all the time, just when it's crying and Jen and I need some sleep. And like I said, it's a very nice closet.
At this point the Chef shook his head and left, probably to go tell his buddies in the back about the idiot who's going to put his baby in a closet.
My wife and our friends honestly couldn't believe that I was arguing this. At one point Jen told our friends that I was joking and I do these kind of things to get a rise out of people. I told them all that while it is true I like to get a rise out of people, I was 100% serious that I thought and continue to think this is a good idea.
Turns out I'm a child abusing monster.
The next day, I asked a lot of different people at work what they thought of my idea. To a person, I got the same response from my co-workers that I got from my wife and friends. The one that really hurt was when I asked this guy Thomas who I consider to be quite the douchebag when it comes to his kids and even he agreed with the masses. I'm a horrible person, I'm going to be a horrible parent and I should probably do the kid a favor and die now.
I still can't understand what is wrong with putting a crying baby in a well ventilated, carpeted, lighted closet?! I'm asking you, as my blog readers, is there anyone out there who thinks this is ok? Or am I doomed to destroy my baby's life? Let me know.
PS - For some reason, everyone I talked to had no problem with me sleeping in the closet. Just not the baby.
PPS - I really don't care what anyone tells me. It's my baby and that crying little shit is going in the closet.
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5 comments:
It's the concept, dude. Doesn't matter if it's the nicest closet in the world. Still a closet. Adults sleeping there - OK. Infants - not OK. They're able, even at early ages, to distinguish between "i'm important enough to get my own room" and "i'm sharing a space with dad's pants." That might be the kind of shit that fucks up your kid for life.
And wait till the baby comes out of the closet. Then things get interesting. :-) You know someone's going to make an "out of the closet" joke, so it might as well be me.
But it's not like this would be a permanent thing! The baby will have it's own room, but the first few months of life, everyone says the baby should sleep in the same room as us. Certainly, once he starts sleeping through the night, it will sleep in his own room. But I think while the baby is sleeping in our room for the first few months that when it screams "all night" the closet is a fine place for it to scream his head off.
As far as it coming out of the closet, considering he's being raised by me, if coming out of the closet is the owrse thing that happens to him, consider him very well adjusted.
I love how half the time you refer to the baby as "it" and the other half as "him."
What if you put a sign on the closet that says "Nursery" - people might leave you alone, then.
What the fuck? I want more Mike, damn it (the good one, not the one who stopped his blog). New post! New post! New post!
I actually don't remember the conversation but I guess most of the time I just ignore the fool who write these blogs. The closet is fine with me. Maybe, I'll sleep in the cloest and Mike and the baby can sleep in the room. :o)
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