You know what's fuckin' Metal?
Metal.
If you knew me in my previous life as a high school student, you know that I was quite the Metalhead. (Is Metalhead one word or two? My spellchecker says two but my spellchecker was also programmed by nerds. I'm going one. Ironically, my spellchecker is also saying spellchecker is two words.) As my life progressed, I became broader in my musical tastes, listening more to the stylings of They Might Be Giants and assorted Ska bands. The end of my Metalheading (also a word) days came due to the money grubbing ways of one of my favorite bands of that time, Metallica. Metallica was not being Metal.
Much has been written about the feud between Metallica and their Napster loving fans, of which I was one. I am not one to give you a history lesson or morality lesson about the history of illegal downloads. All I'm going to say is I used to download a bunch of music from Napster and continue to do so through torrents and thepiratebay.org. I also go to a bunch of concerts, buy a bunch of merchandise and have put bands up at my house when they come into town. I guess I'm a modern day Robin Hood. And fuck yeah, I'm wearing tights. Can't get more Metal then that.
Anyways, because of Metallica basically saying I wasn't a good little fanboy, I stopped listening to their music and pretty much all Metal. Which was fine with me. I sold all my Metal CD's and got rid of all my Metal memorabilia. I certainly didn't miss it. I'd hear it every once in a while and enjoy the occasional tune but if anyone asked about my musical tastes, I would tell them about Reel Big Fish and Suburban Legends, not mentioning my head-banging (you're goddamn right I hyphenated that shit!) past. Not at all Metal.
It was only a matter of time before the dark side took me back. With a recent combination of becoming friends with a renewed metalhead, watching a little too much VH1 classic and becoming obsessed with Guitar Hero (the greatest game of the last 8 years), I am officially back on the Crazy Train. I've been scouring the web, looking for Metal and nearly jizzed (how in the hell is this not a correctly spelled word?) myself with delight when I found a Iron Maiden Anthology torrent. Since downloading that a nearly a week ago, I have listened to nothing else. In fact, as I'm typing this, "Can I Play with Madness?" is thrashing throughout my eardrums, reminding me of simpler times. So very Metal.
I'm still a bit mad at Metallica for all the years I've wasted not being Metal, but let's be honest. In the free music war, they lost, BIG time. I haven't paid for music in a long time, which is totally Metal.
So to those of you who once were like me, I'm calling you back. Pull the black leather out of the closet, loosen up your neck and throw your pointer and pinky high in the air, lightly gripping the remaining fingers against your palm with your thumb. Why? Because Satan is coming for you. And he's breakin' the law while he's running to the hill. And what is that in his hand? Why it's the Ace of Spades. When he gets there, you should probably shout at him.
Metal.
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8 comments:
I never thought I'd say this, but you are quickly becoming one of my favorite writers.
I need a shower.
Nice post. Remember, there's nothing more metal than long hair. Haven't seen you in a while, but get that head-banging hair back, dude!
Read a book, read a book, read a mahfuckin' book! (jesus, that's the best clip ever!!! it's going on my blog soon with loads of props to you)
First, I am amazed I wield such power. Apparently all I have to do is ask and you will do my bidding. Sweet.
Hit Jason in the nuts next time you see him.
I went to my first metal concert with none other than you. Metallica at Jones Beach with Suicidal Tendencies and Danzig opening. There were at least four of us: you, me, Phil, Andrew (I think), and maybe one or two more? It was a great show, but the ride there was even better. Phil's mom drove us and we were all in the car when you started the following conversation:
Howland: So Phil...you bring the pot?
Phil's Mom: WHAT? What is he talking about Phil?
Phil: Mike, stop being a dick. Mom, he's just making things up. It's what he does.
Howland: Oh sorry, I thought your mom was cool with it. It's ok, I brought some of my own anyway.
Phil: MIKE, STOP IT!
Phil's Mom: PHIL, WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING ON DOING AT THIS CONCERT?
I just sat in the back of the car giggling my motherfucking ass off.
Were any of you in the car with us when Mike was driving down Port Boulevard, listening to a cassette, when he suddenly went "this sucks!" and threw it out the window?
Or the time he slowed down the car on Middle Neck and made me pick up traffic cones?
Or the time he just started throwing tacos at me outside Taco Bell? That was the day, during spring break, that we went to Taco Bell/Nathan's three times in a day. Memories.
That concert was awesome. It was Raz, Howland, Phil, myself, and Dan Horowitz. We were in the second-to-last row, and it was definitely the loudest show I've ever been to. I think there was a fight that broke out between a Rangers fan and an Islanders fan, too. Yay Long Island!!
You got me into Metallica, you played Binge and Purge for me in the light booth of the Weber auditorium. I thank you for that.
However, screw you for not getting me into Iron Maiden. Iron Maiden RULE. You totally dropped the ball not playing me Number of the Beast back then.
Also, screw you for making me picture you in tights. That's not OK.
You know what would be fun? Metal covers of They Might Be Giants songs. Just a thought.
A) Thanks Jason!
B) I'm a growin it....again.
C) While I did, in fact, write a new blog on your request, Jason getting hit it the nuts upon our meeting will have nothing to do with your command. I just like the way his testicles feel against my fist.
D) The tape was Anthrax, The Sound of White Noise. And it did indeed suck.
E) Yes, that concert was awesome. So awesome that I got kicked out of my house for disobeying my parents by attending. At the time it was quite unpleasant but in retrospect, totally Metal.
F) Many times in my life I have had people tell me I should have gotten them into bands earlier. I guarantee with the amount we hung out, you were exposed to Maiden. It's not my fault your tastes weren't as developed as they are now.
G) $20 to the first person who gives me a metal version of Birdhouse or Ana Ng.
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