I am not a perfect man. I know, I know. How can I, a man so fucking awesome, have that kind of humility? Well, good readers, I am a mortal who can recognize my flaws. And one of those flaws is not being able to forgive general stupidity. What stupidity is suffering my wrath this time?
"Give yourselves a round of applause."
Dear GOD, that phrase gives me a fucking migraine. I'm sick of giving my money to these performers so I can suffer through that god-awful phrase at least once a show. "Give yourselves a round of applause." Fuck you. Why on earth would I want to give myself or any of the usual moronic douche bags standing around me at a concert a round of applause? What did we do to deserve a round of applause? Ignore the fact that we're an hour and a half into the concert and you still haven't played the one hit song we came to hear you play?
It's the same as when the band performing says the name of the city they happen to be in and the crowd goes nuts. It proves that the crowd is just as retarded as the performer. Why on earth do we as audience members applaud when someone on stage says the name of the town we're in? Certainly doesn't happen in other situations. Imagine:
You: So where are you from.
Hot Chick or Dude You Are on a Date With: Well, I'm originally from Kentucky but I've live in Las Vegas now.
You: WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Hot Chick or Dude You Are on a Date With: What? Why did you yell?
You: You said "Las Vegas". I live in Las Vegas or am currently visiting Las Vegas so I said whoo.
Hot Chick or Dude You Are on a Date With: I see. I'm going to leave now. Ass.
And yet all someone on stage has to do is say the town's name and everyone in the audience goes nuts.
But you know who I almost feel sorry for? Opening bands that aren't well received. I always picture this thought process when an opening band is crapping the stage with melodic diarrhea.
Lead Singer (to himself): Gosh, these people don't seem to like us very much. I hardly see any hands being thrown in the air and virtually no one is singin' along. What could I possible do so these people start to understand how much we totally rule?
Lead Singer (to the crowd): GIVE IT UP FOR THE HEADLINER!!
Audience: WHOO!
Lead Singer (to himself): Ahhhhhhh, the sweet sound of applause. I knew this crowd loved us. We totally rule.
And the worst part is EVERY SINGLE BAND I'VE SEEN DOES ALL OF THE ABOVE! They're all simple minded sycophants looking for a cheap pop. Fuck em all.
There is, however one exception and that would be The Ramones. For those of you who never saw a Ramones show let me tell how it would go. The lights would go down, the Ramones would take the stage, and Joey Ramone say "Hey, we're the Ramones. This one's called Rockaway Beach." Then Dee Dee would say "1-2-3-4". And rockin would commence. 2 minutes later when the song was over. Joey Ramone would come up to the mic and say "This one's called Rock and Roll High School." and Dee Dee would say "1-2-3-4". And rockin would commence. This pattern would continue for about 2 hours until Joey would come to the mic and change it up a bit. "Thanks for coming out. This one's called Pinhead." And Dee Dee would say "1-2-3-4". And rocking would commence. When the last song was over, Joey would go up to the microphone and say "Goodnight!" And they would walk off stage....to the loudest applause I've ever heard.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
A Sadder World
I just realized that when my unborn child is finally old enough to be able to fake an illness and stay home from school, he will no longer be able to watch Bob Barker on The Price is Right. Being a master of the fake illness, Bob was a big part of my childhood. The first thing I did when I got a dog was had him spayed or neutered. While my child might have a more technologically advanced childhood, he won't have Bob and that makes me a little sad. Fare thee well, Mr. Barker. May you never overbid your showcase showdown.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Pan's Labyrinth is Totally Balls
I finally got around to seeing this movie on DVD. I had to wait to see it on DVD because I no longer go to the movies. Why? Well that's a whole other blog. Wait a sec, no it's not. I don't go to the movies anymore because society in general has seemed to lost the ability to shut the fuck up in a movie theater. That and I have a 68 inch DLP TV at home with surround sound and leather recliners. Whole other blog indeed.
So I'm told by pretty much everyone that I've got to see Pan's Labyrinth. "It's the greatest movie of all time!" is what I'm told by all my artsy fartsy friends. (If you are reading this, you are regarded by me as Artsy Fartsy. My non-artsy fartsy friends probably wouldn't know how to turn on a computer, just punch it until it submitted.) So I watched it. And it S-U-C-K-E-D.
I'm not saying it wasn't a very pretty movie to look at. I can understand why the director of cinematography would get a hummer from the Academy. I get that. But whoever wrote that movie had no respect for you or I.
If you haven't seen this movie yet and don't want parts of it ruined, it's time to go away.
SPOILER ALERT
I had two major problems with this movie. The first major problem I had was with the second task the girl was assigned. The Pan comes into her room and tells her she needs to draw a door in the wall which will open a portal into another room. A room inhabited by a monster. Get the knife in the room and get out. You only have a certain amount of time before the door stops working so be quick. Oh yeah, and in the monster's room is a super nice spread full of delicious food. Don't eat any of it or you'll probably die a horrible death. And just to keep you on your task, I'll give you three fairies to guide you on your way.
So the girl draws the imaginary door, opens it, and turns over the timer showing her how much time she has left. Then what does she do?
She dilly dallies. And not just your average dilly dallying. World Class dilly dallying. The kind of dilly dallying that made her walk down a hall of paintings of the monster horribly killing other children, but instead of going "Oh Shit, that could be me!" and hauling ass, choosing to more closely examine the brushwork used in the painting.
Finally, after what seemed like a goddamn eternity, she gets to the end of the room with the monster in some state of suspended animation, and proceeds to get the knife from its hiding spot. While on her way out, she looks again at the buffet on the monster's table and decides to have a bite to eat. The fairies that were sent by the Pan to help out start waving her off the food, reminding her not to eat the food. Of course, she ignores the fairies, eats a couple of grapes and wakes up the horrible child killing monster.
Here's the recap so far:
Pan: Get the knife as quick as you can and don't eat anything on the way or you'll die.
Little Girl: Fuck you Pan, I'm gonna take my sweet ass time and eat whatever I want.
The horrible child eating monster wakes up and gets ready to eat the little girl. The fairies, in a selfless act, distract the monster so the little girl can get away. The monster eats the fairies, distracting him from the little girl so she can get way. Notice how I ended the last two sentences with "so she can get away."? But does she get away?? FUCK NO! I guess she was so entranced by the pictures of the monster doing horrible things she wanted to catch the live show. Of course, once the fairies were good and eaten and the horrible child killing monster focused on her, she finally decided to haul ass down the hall and get out.
I really hate movies that make kids to be that stupid. The camera and special effects, as pretty as they were could not distract me from the fact that the lead character in the movie was so fucking stupid that she didn't deserve to live. From this point on, I was openly rooting for her death.
The second problem I had with this movie was the key to the pantry lock scene. Earlier in the movie, they make a big deal of showing the Captain locking the pantry shut and asking the maid if he now had the only key. She said yes, but was lying as she snuck a key to her brother in the forest who, in a twist that every single person knew right away, was the leader of the terrorists, who turned out to be the good guys after all. WHAT A TWIST!
Anyways, later in the movie, the terrorist group whoop and holler into town setting off grenades all over the place and shooting as many soldiers as they can before they use the second key to get into the pantry and rob it. The Captain then uses his brilliant mind to deduce that his maid is the spy in the house because the lock wasn't blown off with grenades. She snuck the key to them.
So why didn't the terrorist group just blow the lock up with grenades in the first place instead of putting the spy at risk. Because that makes sense. And whoever wrote this movie decided that instead of writing a movie that made sense, he'd rather advance the plot with crappy devices. Or they could have just taken the lock with them after they robbed the pantry! But no, it's much easier to write a movie when the people in it act like retards like leaving the opened lock on the door.
This was a crappy lazy movie that fooled a bunch of people because it was in Spanish and had cool costumes and EFX.
The next time someone raves about this movie to me, I'm going to tell them that my piss is poison and will kill them if it hits them in the face. Then I'm going to try to piss in their face. If they let me, it will explain why they like Pan's Labyrinth.
So I'm told by pretty much everyone that I've got to see Pan's Labyrinth. "It's the greatest movie of all time!" is what I'm told by all my artsy fartsy friends. (If you are reading this, you are regarded by me as Artsy Fartsy. My non-artsy fartsy friends probably wouldn't know how to turn on a computer, just punch it until it submitted.) So I watched it. And it S-U-C-K-E-D.
I'm not saying it wasn't a very pretty movie to look at. I can understand why the director of cinematography would get a hummer from the Academy. I get that. But whoever wrote that movie had no respect for you or I.
If you haven't seen this movie yet and don't want parts of it ruined, it's time to go away.
SPOILER ALERT
I had two major problems with this movie. The first major problem I had was with the second task the girl was assigned. The Pan comes into her room and tells her she needs to draw a door in the wall which will open a portal into another room. A room inhabited by a monster. Get the knife in the room and get out. You only have a certain amount of time before the door stops working so be quick. Oh yeah, and in the monster's room is a super nice spread full of delicious food. Don't eat any of it or you'll probably die a horrible death. And just to keep you on your task, I'll give you three fairies to guide you on your way.
So the girl draws the imaginary door, opens it, and turns over the timer showing her how much time she has left. Then what does she do?
She dilly dallies. And not just your average dilly dallying. World Class dilly dallying. The kind of dilly dallying that made her walk down a hall of paintings of the monster horribly killing other children, but instead of going "Oh Shit, that could be me!" and hauling ass, choosing to more closely examine the brushwork used in the painting.
Finally, after what seemed like a goddamn eternity, she gets to the end of the room with the monster in some state of suspended animation, and proceeds to get the knife from its hiding spot. While on her way out, she looks again at the buffet on the monster's table and decides to have a bite to eat. The fairies that were sent by the Pan to help out start waving her off the food, reminding her not to eat the food. Of course, she ignores the fairies, eats a couple of grapes and wakes up the horrible child killing monster.
Here's the recap so far:
Pan: Get the knife as quick as you can and don't eat anything on the way or you'll die.
Little Girl: Fuck you Pan, I'm gonna take my sweet ass time and eat whatever I want.
The horrible child eating monster wakes up and gets ready to eat the little girl. The fairies, in a selfless act, distract the monster so the little girl can get away. The monster eats the fairies, distracting him from the little girl so she can get way. Notice how I ended the last two sentences with "so she can get away."? But does she get away?? FUCK NO! I guess she was so entranced by the pictures of the monster doing horrible things she wanted to catch the live show. Of course, once the fairies were good and eaten and the horrible child killing monster focused on her, she finally decided to haul ass down the hall and get out.
I really hate movies that make kids to be that stupid. The camera and special effects, as pretty as they were could not distract me from the fact that the lead character in the movie was so fucking stupid that she didn't deserve to live. From this point on, I was openly rooting for her death.
The second problem I had with this movie was the key to the pantry lock scene. Earlier in the movie, they make a big deal of showing the Captain locking the pantry shut and asking the maid if he now had the only key. She said yes, but was lying as she snuck a key to her brother in the forest who, in a twist that every single person knew right away, was the leader of the terrorists, who turned out to be the good guys after all. WHAT A TWIST!
Anyways, later in the movie, the terrorist group whoop and holler into town setting off grenades all over the place and shooting as many soldiers as they can before they use the second key to get into the pantry and rob it. The Captain then uses his brilliant mind to deduce that his maid is the spy in the house because the lock wasn't blown off with grenades. She snuck the key to them.
So why didn't the terrorist group just blow the lock up with grenades in the first place instead of putting the spy at risk. Because that makes sense. And whoever wrote this movie decided that instead of writing a movie that made sense, he'd rather advance the plot with crappy devices. Or they could have just taken the lock with them after they robbed the pantry! But no, it's much easier to write a movie when the people in it act like retards like leaving the opened lock on the door.
This was a crappy lazy movie that fooled a bunch of people because it was in Spanish and had cool costumes and EFX.
The next time someone raves about this movie to me, I'm going to tell them that my piss is poison and will kill them if it hits them in the face. Then I'm going to try to piss in their face. If they let me, it will explain why they like Pan's Labyrinth.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Freedom o' Speechifying
Every time I was getting a comment on this retardation I have been typing, the person who wrote the comment would have to wait for my approval. This is no longer the case! All of your opinions on what I write are now valid without my approval. Well Done!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Salty
I used to think my wedding day would be the happiest day of my life forever. After what happened last night, that can longer be said.
I went to a japanese cafe with Kevin and Jenn. While there, the discussion of truth or dare came up. Kevin, in the past, played truth or dare with some friends like a 12 year old. I told him that's not the way adults play that game. Adults just play dare. And it usually involves money. So I gave him an example. I told him I would give him $20 if he drank a quarter cup of soy sauce. He would also have to not drink or eat anything else for thirty seconds after. He told me "What if I dare you to do something stupid for $20." I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said for $20 I had to run out to spring mountain road, drop my pants and fondle my happy pills for 5 seconds. I sprang to my feet and ran out of the cafe with Kevin right behind me. I ran across the parking lot, got to the sidewalk, and dropped my pants. Sometimes, fate just smiles and smiles at you. There was not a car in sight. Not until I got to the 3rd second of self gratification did we even see headlights which were about a half mile off. It was like drawing to the miracle straight flush when you're beaten by a full house. And please realize, I didn't wait for there to be no traffic. As I ran across the parking lot, I resigned myself to showing people in passing cars my balls. I just have the incredible luck that when Kevin and I arrived at the street there was not a car in sight.
So we walk back into the cafe and I tell Kevin to pay up. He says he's not going to have to, he's going to drink the soy sauce. I offer the advice that it will probably be better if he just chugs it down. Kevin replies that no, he's going to drink it in small batches. Miracles happen everyday.
Kevin slowly brings the cup of soy sauce up to his nose and takes a big sniff. Why, I have no idea. If I was going to drink something nasty for money, I would just man up and chug that fucker. I guess Kevin wanted to savor his unhappiness. Needless to say, the whiff of soy sauce sends Kevin straight to regret land. I ask if he's going to back out. Without saying a word, he puts the cup up to his lips and drinks the first swallow.
There was a small part of mind that was nervous that it wouldn't be so bad. That Kevin would just find it midly unpleasent but not by any means, a big deal. Again, fate smiled upon me. Kevin fucking HATED it! He startes gagging, sniffiling, turning white and his eyes start watering. Jenn and I were in comedy heaven. And the best part is, he didn't even drink half of it on the first swallow!
He puts the cup back up to his lips and takes another swig of misery. Even better then the first, because he starts to show the anguish on his face. He's clearly in some sort of hell and I'm the cause of it. At this point, he starts to burp really loudly. I can only imagine what pure soy sauce burps taste like. Kevin now has first hand knowledge. And because I must have done something right in my life and God himself was rewarding me at this moment. Kevin still had one more swallow to go.
With much struggle, he finally finishes the last of the soy sauce, reaching the hardest part of the deal, the 30 seconds. It's funny the role perception plays in life. I'm sure if asked Kevin about the 30 seconds, he would tell you it was long, painful and felt like several minutes. For myself, it felt like a flash. But what a flash! Kevin, now an ashen white, was gagging, burping, head bobbing, crying, and hating every moment of it. Sadly, the 30 seconds ended and Kevin was allowed to drink and eat again.
He compared it to taking a huge batch of seaweed and shoving it in the back of your throat for awhile.
After a few minutes, I started to reflect on what a momentous occasion this was. This was the comedy pinnacle for me. Now matter how funny or brilliant a sketch or improv show can be, it will never top Kevin drinking soy sauce. But I'm ok with that, because nothing ever should top Kevin drinking soy sauce. I can now die with peace in my heart with the knowledge that I have seen the funniest thing in the world. I'm going to get a t-shirt made that just says "Kevin drank the Soy Sauce". I should probably get a few as I can see myself wearing that article of clothing out rather quickly. I love you all and I hope only one day you too can experience a sliver of the magic that I did last night. Take care of yourself and God Bless America.
KEVIN DRANK THE SOY SAUCE
I went to a japanese cafe with Kevin and Jenn. While there, the discussion of truth or dare came up. Kevin, in the past, played truth or dare with some friends like a 12 year old. I told him that's not the way adults play that game. Adults just play dare. And it usually involves money. So I gave him an example. I told him I would give him $20 if he drank a quarter cup of soy sauce. He would also have to not drink or eat anything else for thirty seconds after. He told me "What if I dare you to do something stupid for $20." I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said for $20 I had to run out to spring mountain road, drop my pants and fondle my happy pills for 5 seconds. I sprang to my feet and ran out of the cafe with Kevin right behind me. I ran across the parking lot, got to the sidewalk, and dropped my pants. Sometimes, fate just smiles and smiles at you. There was not a car in sight. Not until I got to the 3rd second of self gratification did we even see headlights which were about a half mile off. It was like drawing to the miracle straight flush when you're beaten by a full house. And please realize, I didn't wait for there to be no traffic. As I ran across the parking lot, I resigned myself to showing people in passing cars my balls. I just have the incredible luck that when Kevin and I arrived at the street there was not a car in sight.
So we walk back into the cafe and I tell Kevin to pay up. He says he's not going to have to, he's going to drink the soy sauce. I offer the advice that it will probably be better if he just chugs it down. Kevin replies that no, he's going to drink it in small batches. Miracles happen everyday.
Kevin slowly brings the cup of soy sauce up to his nose and takes a big sniff. Why, I have no idea. If I was going to drink something nasty for money, I would just man up and chug that fucker. I guess Kevin wanted to savor his unhappiness. Needless to say, the whiff of soy sauce sends Kevin straight to regret land. I ask if he's going to back out. Without saying a word, he puts the cup up to his lips and drinks the first swallow.
There was a small part of mind that was nervous that it wouldn't be so bad. That Kevin would just find it midly unpleasent but not by any means, a big deal. Again, fate smiled upon me. Kevin fucking HATED it! He startes gagging, sniffiling, turning white and his eyes start watering. Jenn and I were in comedy heaven. And the best part is, he didn't even drink half of it on the first swallow!
He puts the cup back up to his lips and takes another swig of misery. Even better then the first, because he starts to show the anguish on his face. He's clearly in some sort of hell and I'm the cause of it. At this point, he starts to burp really loudly. I can only imagine what pure soy sauce burps taste like. Kevin now has first hand knowledge. And because I must have done something right in my life and God himself was rewarding me at this moment. Kevin still had one more swallow to go.
With much struggle, he finally finishes the last of the soy sauce, reaching the hardest part of the deal, the 30 seconds. It's funny the role perception plays in life. I'm sure if asked Kevin about the 30 seconds, he would tell you it was long, painful and felt like several minutes. For myself, it felt like a flash. But what a flash! Kevin, now an ashen white, was gagging, burping, head bobbing, crying, and hating every moment of it. Sadly, the 30 seconds ended and Kevin was allowed to drink and eat again.
He compared it to taking a huge batch of seaweed and shoving it in the back of your throat for awhile.
After a few minutes, I started to reflect on what a momentous occasion this was. This was the comedy pinnacle for me. Now matter how funny or brilliant a sketch or improv show can be, it will never top Kevin drinking soy sauce. But I'm ok with that, because nothing ever should top Kevin drinking soy sauce. I can now die with peace in my heart with the knowledge that I have seen the funniest thing in the world. I'm going to get a t-shirt made that just says "Kevin drank the Soy Sauce". I should probably get a few as I can see myself wearing that article of clothing out rather quickly. I love you all and I hope only one day you too can experience a sliver of the magic that I did last night. Take care of yourself and God Bless America.
KEVIN DRANK THE SOY SAUCE
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